GOLF WAR 2: The Desert Rose © 2004 by Jim Grover

WAR GAMES        1991-92          Richard Hamilton  Oil on Scanachrome on canvas 200 x 200 cm

ACT 1   SCENE 1

                        AN AREA JUST OUTSIDE CAMP X-RATE. 

sir percy:    You join us today at Freedonia’s Camp X-Rate, the compound housing hundreds of political prisoners for nearly three years. As an act of mercy, President Herb Acious Border has granted them execution rather than have them linger longer in the vain hope of a trial. Any truth in the rumour than President Border wants to clear the camp to save any embarrassment at the forthcoming election has been strenuously denied. Due to an unrepealed law dating to the time of Napoleon, the only legal form of execution on this off-shore enclave is the guillotine, and you will shortly hear the sound of it being tested. Sir Percy Paradigm, BBC News, Camp X-Rate. 

THE BLADE IS TESTED ON A CABBAGE (PIECES ROLL ONSTAGE). THERE IS A LOUD CHEER. SIR PERCY DONS HAT AND FALSE MOUSTACHE, APPROACHES EXECUTIONER.

executioner:    Who are you? You realise this is a restricted area?

Sir Percy:            I’m from the (FLASHES BADGE IN EXECUTIONER’S FACE) Department  of  Agriculture. Is that a cabbage you just destroyed?

executioner:    Yes, of course it is.

sir percy:            So you won’t mind showing me your greengrocery operative’s permit.

executioner:    Permit? I didn’t realise I needed a permit.

sir percy:            Of course you need a permit. You need a permit for travel, you need a permit to work, you need one to stop working. You need one for everything. How else is Freedonia going to preserve its liberties if not by strict control of the people?

executioner:     Of course you’re right. But can’t you overlook it, just this once. I’ve got all the press watching. My wife and her mother have come to see me perform.

sir percy:              It’s more than my job’s worth. But I suppose if you (PRODUCES BIN BAG FROM POCKET) get rid of the offending vegetable, take it at least a mile away, I can pretend I didn’t see it. Just this once, mind you.

executioner:      Thank you, I really appreciate it. And I promise it won’t happen again. (TAKES BAG, STARTS TO PICK UP CABBAGE PIECES) Oh, but I’ve still got to execute that prisoner.

sir percy:              That’s not a problem. Leave it to me.

EXECUTIONER PASSES HOOD TO SIR PERCY, CONTINUES TO PICK UP CABBAGE, THEN EXITS..

sir percy:        (PUTS ON THE HOOD) Can I have the first prisoner please?

ABDUL, HANDCUFFED, STEPS FORWARD.

guard:                    Abdul Mohommed, you have been accused of UnFreedonian Activities, contrary to the Anti-Criticism Bill 2001. Have you any last words?

Abdul:                    I only went on foreign vacation to see my mother.

guard:                    Yeah, yada yada. Your mother not good enough to live here, eh? So is that it?

Abdul:                    Yes; God is Great!

guard:                    Not so great he can save your sorry unFreedonian towel-head ass. (TO SIR PERCY) This one’s for the chop.

sir percy:             Right prisoner, come with me.

SIR PERCY LEADS ABDUL TO OFFSTAGE GUILLOTINE. SOUND OF BLADE FALLING. BOTH THEN EMERGE. ABDUL HAS LOST HIS SHACKLES AND NOW WEARS THE HAT AND MOUSTACHE.

Abdul:                   How can I begin to thank you?

sir percy:            There is no need.

abdul:                  I don’t even know your name.

sir percy:           My name? They call me........the Desert Rose!

BLACK OUT

SCENE 2

GOLF COURSE. ONSTAGE JACK KEYNES, SIR PERCY AND PETER (THE  CADDY).

                    SIR PERCY TRYING TO GET BALL OUT OF BUNKER

keynes:          Saw you on the box last night, Percy.

sir percy:       (HITS BALL, WHICH DRIBBLES A FEW FEET) Damned bunker. Yes, strange affair,                           Keynes, don’t you think?

keynes:          Surprised to see you there, actually. I thought cosy fireside chats and soft questioning of       celebrities were more your speciality.

sir percy:    We can’t all be high profile police officers, old thing. I was in the area.

keynes:       Central American islands? You were just passing?

sir percy:    Yes, you might say that. My boat is around the Caribbean this time of year and I need to spend at least a few weeks on it for tax purposes.

peter:            It’s not every day you get to see a public execution.

keynes:       Looks like we didn’t get to see it after all. 

sir percy:    That scarcely matters. I’m sure most of the audience were satisfied by the sound of the blade dropping.

peter:            It gave me a scare.

keynes:       I’m more of a hard facts man, myself, but what the public thinks is not the point. What about this phantom rescuer chappie? What do you make of him?

sir percy:    Oh yes, I heard about that.

keynes:        So you didn’t see anything.

sir percy:    Not a thing.

peter:             The man’s supposed to be a master of disguise.

keynes:        Damned un-sportsmanlike, if you ask me. Creeping in and out of the shadows, hiding his identity.

sir percy:    Rumour has it that he has rescued dozens of people from the razors edge.

keynes:        And that nom de guerre of his?

peter:           What, you mean The Desert Rose?

keynes:        Yes, sounds a bit fey and effeminate if you ask me. Not a scotch and soda man, that’s for sure.

sir percy:    Well there’s no way we’re going to tell what he drinks.

peter:             I can’t imagine him dropping in to our club bar.

keynes:         He sounds like a man with unlimited resources. But we are still members only, don’t you know.

sir percy:    Well I for one would like to get him on my interview show. You can just see the lead-in to the programme. I might even put in a little poem I wrote: They hunt him near, they hunt him far, Freedonians search in every bar. Is he a phantom, no one knows; he’s blooming sly, that Desert Rose.  

keynes:          You might be free with your words, but there’s about as much chance of you tracking down the Desert Rose as there is of you winning this round.

sir percy:      You’re right, of course. Whisky and soda, wasn’t it?

keynes:          That’s the spirit.

                                                            BLACK-OUT. 

 

                                          SCENE 3

PARADIGM RESIDENCE. SHAKIRA PARADIGM IS POSING FOR A  PHOTO SHOOT.

peter:                Come on, Shakira, dear. We’re advertising lippy so is it too much to ask to get you to try a smile. Just for me and the millions who see your picture.

shakira:          OK, I’ll smile for you.

peter:                Lovely darling, lovely, lovely. (MUCH CLICKING OF CAMERA) Is something wrong?    

shakira:          No, nothing.

peter:                Something. Your smile is famous the world over.

shakira:          I can smile for the world, I can smile for me.

peter:                But?

shakira:          I can’t smile for myself.

peter:                Is it Percy?

shakira:          Who else would make me sad like this? He’s changed.

peter:                No he’s not. I was playing golf with him only yesterday. He still can’t hit the ball.

shakira:          He may not be any different with you. But as far as our marriage goes (STARTS SOBBING). He doesn’t love me anymore.

peter:                Of course he does.

shakira:          He has no time for me. He’s always out with you. Oh Peter, you’re not

peter:                 ‘Course we’re not, silly.

shakira:          So why is he neglecting me? He’s always out on these damned trips.

peter:                I’m sure you’re imagining it. Percy wouldn’t neglect you. Why, you’re the model couple.

                                            SIR PERCY ENTERS

Sir Percy:        Peter! (SHAKES HIS HAND. THEY WALK AWAY FROM SHAKIRA) Good session yesterday, don’t you think?

peter:                Yes, you nearly hit the ball twice.

sir percy:        I need to talk to you, Peter.

peter:                Don’t you think you should greet your wife?

sir peter:        Hello, good evening sweetie. Now about that fishing trip.

peter:               You didn’t tell me about a fishing trip.

sir percy:        Carribbean.

peter:                Carribbean?

shakira:          When?

sir percy:        Tomorrow. We leave tonight.

peter:                I’ll get everything ready. (MOMENTARILY GOES OFFSTAGE)

shakira:          But we’re going on a skiing holiday tomorrow, the four of us. Don’t you remember anything nowadays?

sir percy:        Oh yes. Of course, the skiiing. I’ll cancel the fishing trip.

eman:                 Shakira! Darling!

                                                             BIG, THEATRICAL GREETING 

shakira:          Eman, darling. All packed for the skiiing tomorrow?

eman:                 I’ll say! Where’s that useless man of mine? I’ll bet he’s got nothing ready, as usual. (beat) Peter!

peter:        (RE-ENTERS, WALKS UP TO EMAN, QUICK PECK ON CHEEK) Hi sweetie. I didn’t know you would be here. (TO SIR PERCY) All set for the Carribbean. Your plane’s fuelled up and standing by.  

eman:             The Carribbean? You know very well we’re off on a skiing trip.

peter:            I thought it had been cancelled, and that was why Percy asked me to 

Sir percy:    My fault, Peter (GRABS PETER BY THE SHOULDER). We have some packing to do. Skis, boots, all that kind of stuff.

peter:            For the fishing?

sir percy:    We can go fishing anytime, Peter. (TAKES HIM ASIDE, WHISPER) Go along with them. I’ll think of something. (FULL VOICE) Stand the plane down, Peter. Well, everyone, we’re all off to Closters tomorrow.

                                                        BLACK-OUT 

                                      SCENE 4

MORNING LIGHT. SIR PERCY'S RESIDENCE AS BEFORE. SOUND OF   CAR DRAWING UP.

shakira:      That’ll be Peter and Eman. What shall I tell them?

sir percy:    (OFFSTAGE) I’ll be fine. You’ve looked forward to this holiday for so long.

shakira:      But your temperature. You’ve been sweating buckets all night. You can’t travel in that condition.

DOORBELL. SHAKIRA EXITS, RE-ENTERS WITHEMAN AND PETER.

shakira:      (ALREADY IN MID CONVERSATION AS THEY ENTER) So I told him, we’ll have to cancel the skiing.

sir percy:    (OFFSTAGE) No, I wouldn’t hear of it. The mountain air makes you glow. No, just give me a minute to get dressed. Peter, will you come here a minute?

                                        PETER EXITS.

peter:            My God, Percy. You’re in a bit of a state.

shakira:      He’s been like that all night.

eman:             Have you called the doctor?

shakira:       He won’t let me. You know Percy; the finest Harley Street consultant at his beck and call but trusts nobody.

peter:            It’s no trouble, old chap. I’ll tell the ladies. (RE-ENTERS) You two go. I’ll stay here and look after him.

eman:             But Peter, why can’t we all just wait until he’s recovered and go together.

sir percy:    (OFFSTAGE, SHOUTS, INTERSPERSED WITH COUGHS) Peter, have you told them? It’s probably just a chill, but I really don’t think I’d be much fun at the moment.

peter:            Yes, you two girls go on. We’ll catch you up in a few days when he’s on his feet again.

shakira:      All right. (OFFSTAGE) Take care darling. See you in a few days. (RE-ENTERS) Bye.

sir Percy:    (OFFSTAGE) Bye, you two.

eman:             Bye, take care.

                                                   SHAKIRA AND EMAN EXIT

                                                                 BLACK-OUT. 

 

                                              SCENE 5

                                                            CAMP X-RATE.

guard:            Halt! Who goes there? Identify yourself, stranger.

sir percy:      Mr Guard, is that you.

guard:            Yes.

sir percy:      Yes sir!

guard:            Sir, yes sir! Identify yourself, sir!

sir percy:     Don’t you recognise your Freedonian Commander-in-Chief?

guard:           I would indeed know President Herb A Border, should I see him, sir, yes sir.

sir percy:    Glad to hear it. And the Commander-in-Chief’s personal private secretary.

guard:           Indeed sir. We, the president’s personal private secretary and I, are acquainted, sir, yes sir.

sir percy:    Good, just as I thought. What about the Commander-in-Chief’s personal private secretary’s lunch snack boy?

guard:           I have had an introduction to the young gentleman, sir, yes sir.

sir percy:    I’ll bet you don’t know the Commander-in-Chief’s personal private secretary’s lunch snack boy’s Aunt Emily?

guard:           No sir, I have not had the pleasure, sir.

 

sir percy:    Ah! Well in that case (pause) I AM the Commander-in-Chief’s personal private secretary’s lunch snack boy’s Aunt Emily, and in such a capacity I am empowered to visit the prisoners.

guard:          Why didn’t you say so at the start, ma’am. What are your orders, ma’am, yes ma’am?

sir percy:    It is a holy day, sir. We have every expectation of gaining intelligence on future unFreedonian activities if we permit the celebration of his simple festival.

guard:         How can I help, ma’am?

sir percy:    My agents will be here in a moment to distribute special ritual coffee for the festival.

guard:         I’ll be standing by if you need me for anything else, ma’am.

sir percy:    Thank you. Oh, can I borrow your keys for a moment?

guard:          Sure thing, Aunt Emily. Give me a shout when you’re ready to leave.

SIR PERCY GOES OFFSTAGE. CLINKING OF KEYS. PRISONERS' CHORUS FROM FIDELIO. PRISONERS EMERGE, ALL WEARING FALSE MOUSTACHES. 

ir percy:      Guard!

guard:         Yes ma’am?

sir percy:    I’m finished here. Thanks for the keys.

guard:         No problem, ma’am. Call again, any time. 

SIR PERCY LEADS THE PRISONERS OFF, CUT MUSIC. GUARD ABSENT-MINDEDLY LOOKS AT THE KEYS..

guard:        What’s this, she’s left me a card. How kind of that Aunt Emily. Such a thoughtful lady. I wonder what it says? (READS) How nice, a flower.(beat) The Desert Rose!

                                            BLACK-OUT. 

PICTURES IN YOUR DREAMS

home or